Alabama Court sentences Gates to six consecutive life sentences

By William Orth,
Guest correspondant

Gates being led away in handcuffs.

(AP) Bill Gates was sentenced today by an Tusckee County judge in Alabama to six consecutive life sentences for his role in what the judge described as “Just turrible biddness.”

“This feller,“ continued the judge in his 10 minute speech to the court following the ruling, “has suckered a lot of folks with his shrewd dealins’ an haltin’ mannerisms. Wall, the State of Alabama is here to remin’ Mr. Gates that we still don’ like snakes in our grass down here and we smite ‘em with hoes and rakes just like we did the carpetbaggers back in the war.”

The judges ruling, completely unfathomable to Gates, came late yesterday after short deliberation. Originally stopped outside the town of Tuskee last week for being a “wiseguy with a busted taillight,” Gates quickly found himself helpless at the hands of small-town Southern justice. At the time of the stop Tusckee County deputies maintain they offered Gates a chance to bribe them, traditional in Southern culture, but he steadfastly refused. The true shock for Gates came the next morning in his holding cell, when he was told the charges had been upped to “monopolizin’.”

Currently he is being held at Tusckee County Courthouse where he is said to be “communicating well” with the inmates around him. “He’s doin’ a lot of rockin’ back an forth.” said a fellow inmate of the billionaire’s behavior in jail. Gates is expected to arrive as an inmate as early as Monday morning at the State Correctional Facility outside of Memphis where he will serve out his sentence breaking rocks and clearing brush.