New chipmaking procedure includes circuts made from ground up children's bones.

Intel today announced it's plans to release a new line of chips made from the ground up bones of unwanted Chinese children, mostly little girls. The chip, dubbed the "Orphanium" will be released in 166 mhz and 200 mhz versions.

"We here at Intel are thrilled that the trade barriers between China and the United States are finally coming down. With numerous opportunities to take advantage of China's unique and strong culture and economy, we thought, looking at China's human rights record, that we should first focus on trying to bring something to China's table, rather than waiting for China to cautiously approach our's. By perfecting a process that allows unwanted children's bones to be ground up into circutry to power our new generation of super cheap processors, we've created a real "win-win" situation. We get a huge source of cheap labor and raw resources, and China gets a speedier, neater way to get rid of it's unwanted daughters, and make money doing it.

Hurry, work faster! A Chinese woman cleans the
skulls of children, readying them for the grinder.

While some are somewhat disappointed by the speeds, Intel maintains that these chips are for autos and manufacturing, not personal PC's. "166 mhz is more than enough chip to power the average garage door opener or assembly line robot. These chips represent a huge savings to large companies, who often have to buy chips for manufacturing in cases of 1000's. For instance, our current P-133 chip sells for $14 in cases of 1000. The 200 mhz Orphanium will sell for $6.40 per 1000. We can do this because the cost of resources (paying peasents to grind up their unwanted kids) is so low, and we get goverment kickbacks (corporate welfare) from not only the U.S. this time, but also China."

Some anaylsts think this deal might be a version of Intel's controversial "Pandas to Processors" plan, where Great Panda's skulls were ground up in a similar fashion. "The outcry was just too great." recalled one insider. "Pandas are just too cute to grind up. Plus, a similar idea like that was tried by the Panda Project, and it failed."

The new Orphanium chips are expected to start showing up in VCR's, boom boxes, and microwaves by Winter 2000.